This past Thursday, I ventured into the wild with my friend Kat to continue a most sacred tradition: attending the midnight screening of Twilight. With Smirnoff.
Oh come on, how could you watch that movie sober if you weren't a thirteen-year-old girl? Or her mom (don't get me started on the horror that is the Twilight mom fanbase)? What follows is (as near as I can reconstruct) a blow-by-blow of the night. I will let it speak for itself.
Me: I'm so excited to see New Moon!
Kat: I can't wait for the awfulness to ensue!
Adam: Don't trip on your way to the theater!
(We wait in line for a good 15 minutes before we realize that we're in line for a later showing and our theater is already open. Enter completely packed theater.)
Me: Sh**
Kat: (pointing to about five empty seats) Excuse me, are you saving these seats?
Twilighter: Yeah, sorry, they're ALL saved.
Us: GAH! UNFAIR!
(Eventually, we find two empty seats in the first row of the main seating area on the farthest left.)
Kat: I'm going to go buy Reese's Pieces.
Me: Hopefully we won't lose them under our seats like last year!
Kat: Give me the ticket so I can get back in the theater without being ripped to shreds.
Me: (tossing her the ticket like a life preserver) Good luck!
(10 minutes and $4.25 later)
Kat: We still have an hour...
Me: Let's catch up on life!
(A deep conversation about life/the future/senior year paradoxically occurs in the theater waiting for New Moon. Hah. Start previews.)
Everyone: Aaahhh!!!!!
Me and Kat: *snicker*
(A preview shows with Robert Pattinson in a different movie . I confusedly point at the screen because he's not supposed to show up yet. The suspense has been RUINED.)
Everyone: Aaaahhh!!!! (clapping subsides as RPattz kisses another girl on screen)
Me: But he's only supposed to kiss Bella, I don't understand!
Kat: Bella or meeeee!
(Previews end. New Moon starts with an image of a full moon.)
Kat: But...you can't see a new moon, that's the whole point!
(Title slowly appears as the moon disappears)
Me: Oh, clever.
(First scene of the movie and Edward is already sparkling...foreshadowing a fateful sparkle to
come??? Either way, Kat and I take a drink.)
I suppose I should lay out the rules of the game now: any time Edward sparkles, take a drink. Any time Jacob is shirtless, take a drink (that one got me good). Any time there is a dramatic close-up of chaste eye sex, take a drink. Any time there is a cheesy Edward-hallucination, take a drink. Aaaand any time something utterly ridiculous that would only happen in the Twilight universe happens, take a drink. And, back to the movie:
Bella is sooo reluctant to turn 18 OMG Edward is 17 and she's a coug! No one can celebrate except her father (who gives her an "actually great" camera) and the entire Cullen family because they insist. And Jacob, who possessively hugs her after giving her a dreamcatcher. But other than that, no one else. And God, Bella, be NORMAL and just be happy to become a legal adult. Sheesh!
Bella: Turn me, Edward. I'm getting old and wrinkly fast. 18 is just the beginning!!
Kat as Edward: No, I'll totally still want you and all your wrinkly parts in 80 years.
Bella: *angst*
(Zoom to English class where they are watching the heavy-handed foreshadowing movie, Romeo and Juliet.)
Edward: So I was totally going to kill myself if you didn't live at the end of the last movie.
Bella: Sad. How?
Edward: There are, like, these vampires in Italy called, like, the Volturi...(insert "exposition" here)...Basically, they keep vampires from revealing to humans that they are vampires, because the law is, like, don't.
Teacher: Are you guys listening back there??? What did Romeo just say, Edward?
Edward: Allow me to simultaneously pwn you by reciting the last twelve lines verbatim, teacher, and strongly foreshadow my state of mind at the end of this movie!
Bella: HOT.
Enter the Cullen house. Alice has pulled out all the stops, Emmett has already installed a radio in Bella's car (because she has no choice in the matter, of course) and everyone loves her except Rosalie, who looks like she knows what's coming. Maybe she gave her an extra papery birthday card on purpose? The sneak!
Bella: Ow! Papercut. I knew I couldn't make it through 20 minutes without bleeding.
(Dramatic blood drop on white carpet. Suddenly everything is in slow motion--which for
vampires is sloooooooooow.)
Edward: Oh ****.
( Jasper hurtles himself toward Bella with a gleam in his eye, Edward's solution is to
FLING Bella backwards into a wooden and glass table.)
Edward: You think that hurt, Bella? Your entire arm may be bleeding, but imagine what Jasper would have done to you. My way was BETTER.
Bella: *whimper*
Alice: The blood, it smells so good!
Carlisle: Time to go, Bella.
(Outside Bella's house by her truck)
Bella: So...
Edward: Yeah...
Bella: Since it's still my birthday, can I ask one thing? Kiss me...
Me: He looks pained!
Kat: Why are they grunting???
(The next day in school and Edward is not there. Also, Bella sucks at scrapbooking. Skip ahead to the sentence of death.)
Edward: Take a walk with me. (Kat and I flip out for Bella 'cause she so obviously does not understand the horror that is coming. THE HORROR.)
Edward: So, my family and I are leaving Forks for a totally fake reason not related to my not-brother almost killing you on your birthday.
Bella: Great, let me pack and break my dad's heart again so I can disappear with you.
Edward: You're not coming.
Bella: Whaaa???
Edward: I don't love you. It's been fun! K, bye now.
Bella: So shocked, must crawl around in leaves and dirt to cope...
(This part of the movie was of particular interest to Kat and me. In the book, Bella's life ceases to exist because she is so numb that Edward has left her. I'm not kidding, the next four pages are the names of the months "October. November. December. January." with NOTHING WRITTEN IN THEM. Because what is life without a boy? NOTHING.)
Kat: Will the screen fade to black for half an hour?
Me: Only if they wanna do it right.
(Compromise! A camera 360s around Bella as she sits in her room and looks out the window at the changing seasons. For each full revolution, a month passes. Of course. At this point, I was not only infuriated/delighted, I was dizzy.)
Charlie: I'm worried about you, Bella. You wake up screaming like a banshee in the middle of the night and I can't sleep no mo'. Shut UP. And get a life.
Bella: No prob, dad. I just now decided I'm going to a movie with Jessica-who-I-hate so you don't have to worry about me anymore!
(After the movie, Jessica is talking non-stop in what I think is one of the most amusing innovations of this movie: script that was not in the book. And I do believe that she makes some reference to the zombies in the movie they just saw looking like they had leprosy and is that supposed to be funny? Because it is so NOT funny, her cousin had leprosy...beautiful. I love you so much right now, Jessica. Swig.)
Bella: Hey, I think I see the guys who tried to rape me! I'm gonna go say hi!
Jessica: Wtf, Bella?
(And it was at this part that we finished most of our drinks: Cheesy Edward-hallucination time!)
Edward-ination: Turn around, Bella, they're dangerous.
Bella: Edward! My savior! Are you overprotecting me again? I'm just gonna keep walking toward danger so I can continue to see you, oh figment-of-my-imagination.
Edward-ination: Srsly, Bella, turn around.
Bella: Nope. Hey guys, can I ride on your hog?
Jessica: BELLA!!!!
(As Bella dodges misty Edward-faces on the Terror Hog of Death, she puts two and two together: danger/impending death = seeing Edward. And thus, an adrenaline junkie was born.)
Bella: Jacob, I've decided I want to risk my life much more frequently than I do now. Will you help me by fixing up these old motorcycles?
Jacob: If it means getting time to spend with you? Yesssss.
(I really hoped they would have a sappy montage of Bella watching Jacob fix the motorcycles, but no such luck. Apparently dialogue is so necessary to watch their relationship develop. Being 16, Jacob feels the need to prove his manhood to the 18-year-old Bella.)
Jacob: So I can totally fix motorcycles and you can't, so that makes me like, 35, right?
Bella: What? You're 16, don't play, Jacob. I love being your friend, you make me feel alive again, but I don't want to be a cougar. I only date guys that are a hundred years older than me. It's weird if the girl is older.
Jacob: Whatevs.
(Bella tries out the motorcycle for the first time and OF COURSE crashes and knocks her head on a giant rock. But she doesn't feel it 'cause she saw Edward and even talked to him and that's all that matters, right?)
Jacob: Bella, you're bleeding.
Bella: Sorry.
Jacob: Why are you apologizing for bleeding? (WHY INDEED.)
Bella: ...
Jacob: Let me take off my shirt unnecessarily to reveal to you my glorious abs under the pretense of dabbing ineffectively at your head! (Swig.)
Bella: You know, you're kinda beautiful. (Somewhere, Ben Barnes and the rest of Hyrise are singing
"Leading Me On")
(Something else not-happens in the movie here, but I don't remember what it is. Because it doesn't further the plot, and Jacob didn't take his shirt off. So it's not important.)
Jacob: I should have fixed these motorcycles slower to give mah-self more time with you.
Bella: Then let's go see a movie with all the friends I've ignored from high school.
Jacob: Coo'.
(Bella and Jacob see shirtless guys (
swig) cliff-diving. Bella is so alarmed she pulls her truck to the side of the road and gets out.)
Bella: OMG! That guy is trying to commit suicide! Let's help him, we can get there faster by walking! (REMEMBER YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION OF CLIFF-DIVING, BELLA).
Jacob: Chill, they're just cliff-diving. Btw, I hate those guys, they're like, a gang, and they keep looking at me like they're waiting for me to join them. (BABY PLOT POINT)
Bella: Well, just stay away from them. (NO BELLA, DO NOT KILL THE BABY PLOT POINT, IT'S SO YOUNG.)
(Mike and Jacob waiting outside the theater for Bella.)
Mike: So you're like, what, 14?
Jacob: No!
Mike: Are you old enough to see this movie? Cause I totally am and that is why Bella should love me!
Jacob: Bella's buying my ticket, so...shoot. (Enter Bella)
Bella: Everyone else canceled! It's just us.
*awkward*
(In the theater, Jacob has his hand propped open, waiting for Bella's caressing touch. Zoom over to Mike--same thing. In the middle, Bella's arms are firmly crossed. Oh Bella, I feel soooo bad for you, the pain of having two boys want you at once! How do you get by?)
Mike: I'm gonna hurl! (sprints out of theater, Bella and Jacob leave too, for no reason except to
have this totally necessary plot-point conversation, and wait in the lobby for him. No really, it
actually kinda furthers the "plot" a little. You'll see.)
Jacob: What a wimp, you should totally hold out for someone with a stronger stomach, Bella. Someone who laughs at the gore that makes weaker men vomit. (He actually says that. Obvious much?)
Bella: I'll keep that in mind AND NO YOU CAN'T HOLD MY HAND, JACOB! I mean you can...I mean, I don't know...
Jacob: I would never hurt you like that lame-ass vampire, Bella, let me demonstrate by putting my super-warm forehead close to yours.
Bella: Let me cave in like the tease that I am.
Mike: I'm interrupting! Gotta go home, now.
Jacob: COCK BLOCK! (Looks verrrrry angry)
Mike: Dude...
Bella: Dude...?
Jacob: I'm feeling kinda weird, ok? Lay off! (cause he has a case of wolf flu, it's the latest epidemic in La Push.)
(Bella cannot deal with the craziness of her empty life now that Jacob is quarantined with "mono" and hikes to the Meadow of Sparkles to reimagine what it was like to be with Wardo. Of course, it's winter, so everything is dead--like their love.)
Laurent: 'sup, Bella?
Bella: Laurent! So good to see you! Why are your eyes red?
Laurent: Just stopping by to see the Cullens. But they're not...around...are they?
Edward-ination: Lie!
Bella: No, Laurent, they're totally here!
Edward-ination: Lie betterrrr!!
Bella: They stop by and check on me all the time! E...Ed...Edward worries if I don't!
Laurent: Yah right, food.
(Enter snarling wolves as Laurent attempts to make good on Victoria's promise to kill Bella. One looks at her a little too seductively for a wolf.)
Bella: Hey dad, those "bears" in the woods? NOT BEARS. (*plot point*)
(Bella is still cut off from Jacob while he is sick, so she goes to see Jacob in the rain, all pitiful and wet, only to discover that he is walking around outside. Shirtless.)
Bella: Jacob! I thought you were too sick to go outside, you LIED to me with your lying face of lies!!
Jacob: Go away, Bella, I'm going through some changes.
Me: Puberty?
Jacob: Just, just go. It's not you, it's me.
Bella: Are you breaking up with me? *pout* (Wait, Bella, I thought you didn't want Jacob like that? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.)
(It is at this point that I have ceased to remember what order certain scenes are in. I don't think, however, that the order truly matters, given the lack of plot. Here are some key moments in the movie.)
Jacob: (throwing rocks at her window) Yo St-...Bella! I'm coming up! (Jacob jumps into her room through her window by acrobatically bouncing off a tree and the side of the house. Nope, Charlie didn't hear that, you're good, Jacob. Also, teen girls everywhere swoon as yet another popular fantasy is fulfilled onscreen for them. Also, what is Bella doing to Jacob's stomach?)
Jacob: I have a secret that I can't tell you.
Bella: Gar! *Angst* Let's run away together!
Jacob: Would if I could. Remember the story I told you on the beach about the Quileutes and the Cold Ones? You know, when you (used me) flirted with me so long ago?
Bella: I only remember the part about the Cold Ones.
Jacob: You would. Well, I can't say anything, but try to remember 'cause our non-relationship will be so much easier if you can understand the burden I carry. (reeeeeally intimate hug, "Leading Me On" reprise)
(Did I mention Jacob was shirtless the entire time? Swig.)
Aaaaand Bella has a really really helpful dream where she conveniently remembers her conversation with Jacob on the beach verbatim. Man, I wish I had dreams like that.
Bella: I gotta see Jacob.
Billy: Not here, sorry.
Bella: You and your wheelchair can't stop me! (She sees Jacob asleep in his too-small bed...say it--"awwwww!" But then she spots Sam and his Shirtless Men Gang and gets angry.)
Bella: Yo SAM! I have a beef with you!
Sam: What?
Bella: You've done something to Jacob, he's terrified, and I hate you!
Paul: Nuh-uh, he's changing on his own--
Bella: Let me assert myself because I am (not) a strong, independent woman...*slap!*
Paul: Soo...angry...*werewolf mode* (which I think is commonly referred to as a "fursplosion")
Jacob: I will not be outdone! (Runs toward Bella and jumps over her to perform his own fursplosion)
Bella: Ohmahgawd...
Time goes by, the vodka gets lower, Kat and I have found less and less to say as the movie says it for us.
Example: Bella goes over to the werewolf stronghold where Emily, Sam's fiance, is making food for a hundred. But Bella is warned to not stare at Emily because it annoys Sam. "Why would I stare?" asks Bella. Oh, because half her face was ripped off by her werewolf boyfriend. But it wasn't his fault, he just lost his temper and he was standing too close to her, and everything is totally fine now because they're in love and can't you tell by the way he kisses her scars? Domestic abuse parallels, anyone?
(Jacob must hunt for Victoria and can't be with Bella for like, 5 seconds, so of course she falls apart. Bella, he's doing it for youuuuu!)
Bella: Hey! My budding relationship with Jacob and his possible werewolf troubles don't compare to the absent Edward! This time, I'm going to go cliff-diving to hallucinate that he cares. (Jump)
Bella: That wasn't so bad, oh sh** (pounding waves, undertow, tumbling underwater, Bella knocks her head on a rock, dying, EDWARD!)
Bella: Dying rocks as long as I get to stare at your equally lifeless body, Edward-ination. (Saving hand of salvation)
Jacob: She's not breathing! Time to do mouth-to-mouth (finally)!
Bella: *splutter* I'm ok!
Jacob: What the hell, Bella?
Bella: You interrupted my eyesex sesh with Edward! Who cares if I was dying??!!
Jacob: Bella, right now I am leaning over you shirtless and we're both soaking wet.
Bella: Edward...
Jacob: Bella, if you insist on being immune to my sexy... *hangs head in despair* Also, Harry Clearwater died.
(Jacob drives her back home and they have a moment where they ALMOST kiss because we have to save the actual (assault) kiss for the next movie. Don't worry, kiddies, the forced subjugation is coming!)
Jacob: I smell a vampire.
Bella: Edward!
Jacob: Dude, it's not safe. I can't protect you if you go to Mr. Stinky Vampire.
Bella: No, it's cool! Go home, Jacob. I don't need you anymore (except I do).
(Bella enters her house.)
Alice: Bella! You're alive!
Bella: Of course!
Alice: But I saw you jump off a cliff! I logically concluded that you had committed suicide!
Bella: Wait, you thought...what? Oh, silly Alice! I'm just trying to fantasize about Edward, I'm fine.
Alice: Oh...we need to talk about your crazy, girl.
(Enter Jacob to unnecessarily protect Bella from the most awesome vampire ever, who leaves because even she is not immune to Twilight-created prejudices)
Alice: I'll come back as soon as you put the dog out.
(Oh, Alice. I thought you were better than that. Even so, you still have my love--wait, am I becoming Bella??)
(Another intimate moment in the kitchen when Jacob tries to convince Bella that he's the only man for her, blah blah blah, phone rings.)
Jacob: Hello? (Because Bella could never answer her own phone, oh no.)
Other person: (Something to the effect of, Is Charlie there?)
Jacob: No, he's not. He's planning a funeral (clunk).
Oh Jacob, you know not what you DO!
(Flash to Rio where Edward is standing on a balcony with his shirt open, eyes downcast and tortured, as he slowly but surely crumples his phone in his fist. 'Cause he's emo like that and has also logically concluded that Bella is dead from Alice's vision and Jacob's statement. Time for some Shakesp-- romantic suicide!)
Kat: Why is Edward in Rio???
(Flash back to the Swan kitchen)
Bella: Who was that?
Jacob: Edward.
Bella: @@@??ASDFA!!?AFSDF?SAD!!!!R (Best part, I didn't even try to spell "sad" and it just came out. Teehee!)
Alice: I've just had a vision and now that Edward thinks you're dead, he is going to make good on that suicide attempt he mentioned at the beginning of the movie! We have to go save him from himself!
Bella: Bye, Jacob.
Jacob: *whimper*
Oh, of course they're flying Virgin.
Alice: So here's the plan: we're going to drive into the city in this hot care I stole (because I'm AWESOME) and you're going to get out and run like hell to stop Edward. Why, you ask? Well, you see, Edward is planning to kill himself by sparkling in the the central plaza at noon. Today is the feast day of when all the vampires are expelled from the city, so you see, today is significant. His sparkling would be ironic as well as dazzling. And of course, noon time will give him maximum sparkle-age so the Volturi will swoop down and kill him for revealing to everyone that he is a vampire.
Bella: Got it.
(Bella gets out and runs faster than I thought such a weak human could. Two minutes left, Bella, get the lead out! Knock those red-robed bystanders out of the way, that's right! Who cares if there are children in the way? They don't know your love for Edward! Run dramatically through a fountain, whatever makes the scene visually dynamic! Did James teach you nothing??? RUN!!!!)
Kat: The city people look like medieval Catholics!
Me: Oh god, they do!
Kat: Oh, Mormons.
(Edward takes off his shirt and begins to step into the sunlight.)
Kat: DEATH BY SPARKLE!!!!!
Bella: Noooo! (She covers him with her body and pushes him back into the shadows)
Edward: Hey Bella, I totally thought you were dead!
Bella: Well I'm not, so it's ok, you don't have to kill yourself!
Edward: I totally love you, baby.
Bella: I totally forgive you for leaving me to die in the woods, baby.
*kiss*
(Oh, but it's not that easy. The Volturi are more than a little upset by Edward's attempted sparkle-icide.)
Impotent Volturi members: Let's go, Aro wants to see y'all.
B and E: No thanks...
(Enter Jane and her Death Stare of Gloom)
Jane: LET'S GO.
B and E: meep.
(Enter Volturi castle which is supposed to be underground but is not in the movie so whatever.)
Aro: Edward! So nice to see your talented mind-reading self again! And Bella, la tua cantante! (in case you forgot they're Italian. Btw, it means "your singer," the one who makes your heart sing. Sappy, Aro.) Join us!
Edward: No thanks...
(Aro hears that Bella's mind is impervious to Edward, and wants to try out her "gift" against Jane. Edward will have none of it.)
Edward: Noooo!!! (as he flings himself into the path of Jane's mentally-inflicted mental torture--which makes me wonder, if this is all happening in people's heads, how is there a discernable path of her attack???)
Aro: Well, that was noble of you, Edward, but we are still going to test Bella.
Jane: This might hurt just a little (as she smiles angelically. Oh, Jane, la mia cantante!)
Bella: Oh wait, did you start already?
Jane: *fume*
Kat and Me: *fume*
Aro: So Bella, you know too much about vampires. Either become one or die.
Edward: But her soul...
Alice: No, it's ok, Edward, I've had a vision that Bella becomes one of us. Let me show you, Aro. (Flash forward to vision of Bella and Edward running together through the woods, sparkling. Bella actually looks like she's enjoying physical activity and Edward somehow STILL looks worried about her! I hope they make Breaking Dawn into a movie for several reasons, but add the re-creation of this "scene" to the list, please, because I'm pretty sure that dress doesn't last long.)
(So in the book, Aro totally wants to collect Alice too, but she won't join them, and I can't remember if they put that part in the movie or if she just shows up to save Edward and Bella's collective lame ass. Either way, EPIC FIGHT ENSUES BECAUSE BELLA MUST DIE. AGAIN. This is what the whole movie has been leading up to, y'all! An epic fight that doesn't include Jacob, that addresses a threat vaguely referred to at the beginning of the movie but not carried throughout the plot, that doesn't include werewolves at ALL!!)
(At one point, a Volturi member smashes Edward to the ground, which shatters, but also part of Edward's cheek cracks and then heals...how??? Vampires are frozen in the human state they were turned in, how can he heal himself? And why is his cheek cracking in the first place, I don't understand! And did I mention that all this time Edward has been wearing a red Volturi robe that is clumsily tied shut so he looks like Hugh Hefner's screw-up son? Swig.)
Bella: OMG stop hurting him! Kill me, please, I can't do it myself no matter how hard I try!
Aro: Bored now. I'll consider letting them turn you into a vampire instead of killing you right now. It's just no fun if you want it.
Edward, Bella, and Alice: KTHNXBAI.
(They pass a group of human tourists being led to their doom, Bella seems concerned about complete strangers (but not her father or Jacob), screams are heard, Edward ushers her on, end scene. Back in Forks...)
Bella: So, when are you going to turn me, Edward?
Edward: Oh, that? No, I wasn't actually going to turn you. I just said that to get Aro off my back.
Bella: Time for a Cullen family intervention!
Bella: So! Those who want me to be a vampire, say aye! (Shut up, Edward!)
Alice: I already think of you as my sister, Aye!
Jasper: It will be a relief not to want to kill you. (Srsly, that's what he says.) Aye!
Emmett: Duh. When can we arm-wrestle?
Esme and Carlisle: Of course! The more, the merrier!
Rosalie: Noooooooo....I hate being a vampire even though I am frozen in a beautiful state and I'm married to my soulmate, it all means nothing 'cause I can't have BABIES. I'm looking out for you, Bella, so no. (Pay attention to this part for when they make the (god-awful) movie Breaking Dawn. I am going to go through so much popcorn.)
Jacob: Sooo, that ancient treaty (that was made in the 1930s and is NOT ancient by any stretch of the imagination) will be broken if you turn Bella into a vampire.
Edward: Step off, man, it's not yo' BIZness! Bella is MINE!
Bella: Jacob, don't make me choose between you two, 'cause I will totally choose him you lame, lame werewolf. I don't care if you're shirtless YET AGAIN, (you don't sparkle) it always has been and will always be him.
Jacob: Leaving now...
Bella: So, you gonna vamp me now or what?
Edward: One question first...
Bella: What?
Edward: Marry me? (OH SWOON.)
THE END
Me: That was AWESOME!
Kat: I regret NOTHING!
Final Thoughts:
1) Bella lets way too many people get all up in her business and touch her face. Seriously, girl, develop a personal bubble.
2) Jasper kinda looks like Hayden Christensen in Revenge of the Sith.
3) Edward's bare chest pales in comparison (*rimshot*) to Jacob's. Even though he's 17 :(
Aaaand, that's all, folks! I highly encourage you to see this movie. It will provide you with endless hours of laughter. Compared to the price of a ticket, the enjoyment this movie will bring you is priceless.
